Tolkien’s Awfulness Explained. With Proof!

I have just turned a long humorous essay of mine into a booklet available for the Kindle. How Tolkien Sucks: A Detailed Study for the Betterment of Humanity examines The Lord of the Rings in minute details and, with jokes and venom, finds something badly done everywhere you look, from Dialogue through to Plotting, and from “Prologue: Concerning Pipe-Weed” all the way to “Appendix F.” A much-needed dose of critical sanity, if you ask me. Available now on Kindle for only 2.99! Check out the sample and see if it’ll tickle you.HOW TOLKIEN SUCKS NEW COVER

In fact, here’s a free excerpt, from a section on how the book refuses to end, even after Sauron was defeated a hundred pages ago:

[Eventually] the hobbits and Gandalf get back to The Prancing Pony and discover that things have gone badly in The Shire since they left. Have they gone Ring-Of-Power-End-Of-The-World badly? No, but people are mean and turning to thievery and five people have died. Five! That’s the trouble with an epic fantasy novel: after your fourth battlefield littered with carrion, it’s kind of hard to give a rat’s about the abrupt end of good-hearted Tom Pickthorn. Our heroes decide to fix what’s wrong, and—in an ill-advised moment of honesty—Frodo says of returning to the Shire, “To me it feels like falling asleep again”….

Here’s that link again. Enjoy.

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